Neurodiversity is for all of us.

Everyone in my immediate family has a disability. All of us are impacted differently. Some of us speak. Some do not. Some of us have hyper focus. Some have distracted focus. Some have high energy. Some have low. Some are readers and in love with collecting knowledge. Some struggle with reading and showcasing knowledge. Some are emergent communicators who are working on letter sounds and exploration.

The neurodiversity movement includes all of us.

I’ve been seeing this problematic trend, popping up in tweets and The Guardian, that writes about neurodiversity as a movement for speaking or employed autistics only. It says that neurodiversity doesn’t include those with learning disabilities or intellectual disabilities. It says that people who are married and employed cannot be impacted by their disability or understand anything about the life of someone who is neither.

None of this makes sense to me. It is a gross misunderstanding of the concept, and feels somewhat like deliberate misleading.

First, yes, the self-advocacy movement includes those who are non-speaking or who have intellectual disabilities. It is hands down my FAVORITE movement. It is one that says — yes, yes, your daughter too has rights. Yes, her communication is valuable, whether it is in sounds or gestures or hand-flapping or on her AAC device. She doesn’t have to prove herself. She doesn’t have to become literate or a math genius or dress herself. It says that she is worthy of belonging to her community, her school, her world — as she is.

And the places advocating for her inclusion? For assistive technology? For accessible physical environments? For a living wage that will ensure she has access to high-quality personal care attendants? For access to healthcare and real literacy instruction and a life that SHE designs? It’s the neurodiversity movement. It’s not the “autism mama” movement, which pushes for private day school and segregated ABA-centered settings. It’s not the ABA movement, whose assessments label her as a “pre-learner” and excludes her from even being with peers in a special education classroom. It’s the neurodiversity movement. It’s her teachers and aides who, knowingly or not, have adopted the mindset that she is who she is and their job is to help her access HER best life.

Second, there is this misconception that neurodiversity does not acknowledge disability. To me, this image is more a reflection of our cultural understanding of disability (and our culture’s unwillingness to accommodate). Over and over again, you will meet self-advocates who speak both to their strengths and their challenges, who say “I have a disability AND I am proudly autistic.”

Yes, disability can be hard, even before adding the layers of cultural ignorance on top of it. Yes, experiencing psychosis and major depression and devastating anxiety can be awful and isolating and miserable. But nowhere is there anything in the neurodiversity movement that says “you’re not included” or “this never happens”. Instead, they beg for research to be spent here, on the things that make a real difference in quality of life. They ask for researchers to look at what accommodations and medications and treatments can give people access to the life they need — rather than spending more time and money on curing autism or ABA or vaccines, again. Autistic researchers are leading the way as they research how current “treatments” often create and perpetuate PTSD. Never is the neurodiversity movement against improving quality of life. It’s about improving quality of life without having to stop being who you are. It’s about the world changing to accommodate difference, instead of individuals being expected to hide, change, or smooth over their differences.

Lastly, we cannot judge someone’s experience of their disability by what we see on the outside. I’ve seen this hurt so many children and adults, who don’t get accommodations they need or have to work so, SO hard because the world thinks “you look fine”. I have also seen many children lose access to things they need or love (soccer teams, theater arts, a general ed academic class) when someone realized that, oh, wait, they aren’t as “high functioning” as we thought.

I work. I have a strong marriage. I have two beautiful children. I also have a lot of accommodations from my family that allow be to do those things happily. Before I had those things? I was nearly suicidal from the effort of it all.

Here’s just a small sample of how my life is impacted:

  1. I take medicine for my anxiety.
  2. I have clean clothes and clean dishes because of my husband.
  3. My husband has to remind me to take a shower. I would go weeks and weeks. Like, when people say “how do you count the pool as a shower?” I’m like “It doesn’t?” Because it just doesn’t click in my brain. (Good thing for husbands.)
  4. My husband packs my headphones and my fidgets and anything else I need to accommodate myself when traveling.
  5. My husband makes dinner. Because it it was up to me, we would either eat the exact same food for weeks or order take-out online all the time.
  6. He also explains things to me, like if a friend, colleague, or supervisor said something and I didn’t understand their meaning or intention — I save it to ask him about later.
  7. One hour of socializing in a group of 2-3? That means a 1-3 hour nap to recover.
  8. My children get screen time right after school so that I can have a solid hour to recoup my spoons from the day.
  9. I regularly use text message to communicate with my husband because talking would be just too much and feels / is impossible.
  10. I often walk out of stores without buying anything I am supposed to (or buying a whole bunch of stuff I just threw in the cart) because I just can’t deal with them.
  11. I refused to drive for a long time because of said anxiety and could only go places if someone else could take me. Basically, I went nowhere.
  12. I absolutely have grown-up meltdowns, including stomping my feet and hitting my legs and screeching and storming off to my room.
  13. I have annoyed my friends and family to no end watching the same show, singing the same song, bursting into song at random, making noises, rocking, and so on. (My current favorite is a Fresh Off the Boat line: “I asked for the Randy and he gave me the Brad.” I can say this repeatedly to myself and laugh for 10+ minutes.)
  14. I have gone home crying and torn apart from work on days where there was just too much talking. Too. Much. Too MUCH.

These may not seem that dehabilitating, I guess, but the point is more this — no one would know. No one at my work would know. That’s not including the one million accommodations I’ve slowly built up for myself over the years. The endless mental checklists, the dozen alarms on my phone, the to do lists I print to keep myself organized and on tasks.

And my husband would probably have his own confessions list of things that are hard for him, things I help make happen. We are a symbiotic relationship. We are a one in a million match, making each other better because of it.

As an aside: What’s even sadder to me is that I feel so intensely vulnerable sharing this list because there are people in this world who would hold these against me. I am a FANTASTIC teacher, deeply, and an AMAZING mom. People are blown away by the way my kids have grown and matured over the years. They are so loved and cherished and encouraged. Yet there are people who would read that I have some meltdowns and bad personal hygiene and think that I am not a good parent.

All of that to remember — what’s on the outside doesn’t always reflect what’s on the inside. And we shouldn’t have to disclose what’s on the inside to get accommodations and access and respect. I also can guarantee that, while my daughter’s experiences are different than mine (she is her own person, after all), I can empathize with her in a way that someone neurotypical cannot, someone who has never had a meltdown about sounds or number of foods or what time her show is supposed to be on. Does this mean that someone who is neurotypical cannot be a good ally? Of course not. It just means that, yes, wherever someone else arbitrarily places you “on the spectrum” — you have value and worth and important things to add to the conversation.

Because that’s what is so beautiful about the neurodiversity movement — it is, by its very nature, inclusive. It is for all of us. It is about all of us being able to be ourselves, fully. I don’t know how anyone can be against that.

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